MEDICAL SLANGS AND ACRONYMS (Warning: Seriously Funny)

When I was doing my practical as lab technician, there are two stamps used on Hematology Station on test request form to reject the test and requesting the doctor to send new blood sample. One stamp stated “Clotted Blood” and the other “Inssufficient Sample”. Clotted blood usually from failure of the doctor or nurse to invert the tube after obtaining blood sample in a tube with anticoagulant or the blood is too much in ratio to anticoagulant. Insufficient sample in a tube with additives may yield false result especially in biochemistry test due to inappropriate additive to blood ratio. But sometimes the doctors insist to run the test on the same blood sample giving an excuse like difficulty to obtain sample from patient. We as a lab technician have the right to reject the sample because it will give a false result. Then there will be a fight by the time doctors call the lab to ask for result. They demanded the test to be done immediately regardless to their sample condition. What I did is to write in the form to be return to doctor as “Clotted Brain”, “Insufficient Intelligence” as a modification to the above. It is meant to insult the insistent doctor. Only then the doctor will come to the lab with new sample or sometimes an argumentation plan.

I came across this on a website. I don’t recommend you to use it in a real situation to be written in a patient’s file (in the future) because it can be unethical but I think it’s okay to use it in conversation. I might be using some of it in my blog.

It’s kinda funny…tell me which one is your favorite?

ACRONYMS

CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
DIC - Death Is Coming - colloquial interpretation of the initials for Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home; stupid.
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Exam
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; patient, usually poor or elderly, in the emergency room with a chronic, non-emergency condition.
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase). The real use is Amyothropic Lateral Sclerosis
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TF BUNDY - Totally F*cked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
SAS - Sick As Sh*t
PITA - Pain In The Ass
OBE - Open Both Ends (Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
MIDI - Myocardial Infarction During Intercourse (heart attack during sex)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HAIRY PSALMS - Haven't Any Idea Regarding Your Patient, Send A Lot More Serum
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
IDK - I Dont Know
DKA – Don’t Know Anything (originally means Diabetic Keto-Acidosis). A signal use between the doctor and med students during patient examination with family presence so the family will not think the med students is stupid.
FOS - Full of S**T (Constipated)
404 moment – On card rounds - when a patient’s medical records cannot be located (from internet error message: 404 Page Not Found)

5-H-1-T - polite medical term for SHIT
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease).

4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)

RELATING TO DEATH

C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead). Normal usage: Carbon Copy
CTD - "Circling The Drain" (expected to die soon)
ECU - Eternal Care Unit - after a patient dies, they "have been transferred to the ECU"

TERMS FOR OCCUPATION
Captain Kangaroo - head of a paediatrics department
Freud Squad - psychiatry department
Slasher - surgeon
Orthopod - orthopedist
Flea - internal medicine doctor
Stream team - the urology service collectively
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine

OTHER SLANG
Oligoneuronia ('few neurons') - stupid, a play on "Oligouria", i.e. not enough urine.
Pneumocephalic - stupid (means 'airhead')
Shotgun labs - to order many labs in the hope that one will be abnormal and give you a clue what is wrong with the patient.
Trauma handshake - n. a digital rectal exam. Every major trauma patient gets one.
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
Scepticaemia - chronic condition suffered by two doctors in a debate over which therapy
Sarcoidosis - an actual disease, but a perfectly acceptable answer that may be included in ANY differential diagnosis

Pot Plant - person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
Mononeuronis Asynapsis - thick (one neuron, not connected!)
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tyres (obese)
Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work

GI Rounds - a meal (GI = gastrointestinal)
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts

So ladies and gentlemen. Please comment which one of this is your favorite.

KELAS PERNIAGAAN

Hari ni group C hanya ada kelas patho. genitourinary system yang diajar oleh Dr. Sami di ANNEX 11A(2). Sekali lagi kelas yg sepatutnya kat ANNEX S39 terpaksa ditukar. Semuanya gara-gara kelas tu ketiadaan elektrik. Kelas hari ni berakhir dengan Siti Nadia. Nak tau kenapa? Sama-sama kita lihat:

Apalah yang digikirkan oleh Ling-Ling, Yna, Farra, Zu n Hafis tu? Masing-masing muka macam tengah byk masalah.

Boria ke? Sama je warna baju.

Kalau kelas dah habis memang syok la bersembang Siti ngan Aman ni.

Ni la kisahnya. Siti Nadia ni lepas je habis kelas terus promote minyak wangi yang dia jual. Semangat tu.

Ling-Ling ngan Yna ni apa lagi, berminat tu. First customer.

Ni la rupanya minyak yang dijual Siti Nadia. RM40 je. Macam-macam jenis ada.Untuk lelaki pun ada katanya.




Next customer! Punyala minat Aman tu, sampai dekat camtu dia tengok minyak wangi. Ish2. Zu, Farra ngan Hafis join jugak. Hafis tengah pikir tu nak beli ke tak.



Sampai ke belakang Siti Nadia promote minyak wangi tu. Rajin2.



Agus yang kepanasan.

Time go home! Laju je Yna kemas beg nak balik.

Akhirnya sunyi jugak kelas semua dah balik.

NEW ASSIGNMENT

Pathophysiology of Genitourinary System

1. Title: Secondary glomerulonephritis (SLE, Diabetes mellitus, Amyloidosis, Goodpasture syndrome, Polyarteritis nodosa, Wengener granulomatosis, Henoch-Schonlein purpura, Bacterial endocarditis and Hereditary disorders).
2. Contents: Introduction, clinical manifestation, pathology and causes.
3. Due date: 12 December 2008.
4. Page: Can't be less than 10 pages overall, each topic 1-2 pages.

MINGGU KE-3 HARI PERTAMA

Hari bermula dengan kelas patho. respi system yang diajar oleh Dr. Karim pada pukul 9 pagi hingga 1 tengahari di Anatomy Lab. Dr. Karim seperti biasa penuh dengan informasi dan penekanan dalam histologi. Pada petangnya pula, budak-budak group C ni ke kelas genetic disorder di ANNEX 11A(2). Sebelum bermulanya kelas, Dr. Redhwan menunaikan janjinya untuk mengadakan kuiz lisan. Masing-masing yang mana tak bersedia lagi tu mulalah menyorokkan diri. Yang bernasib baik kena soal adala 10 orang. Macam biasa kelas crowded bila 4 group bergabung dalam kelas yang kecik tu. Masing-masing mulalah berpeluh-peluh dan tak dapat ambil perhatian. Tapi nasib memang baik, kelas habis tak sampai sejam. Ni gambar-gambar gelagat group C masa dan selepas kelas:

Tengokla hafis tu sempat baca novel lagi (dia kata buku Nizam). Dr. Karim kat sebelah je tu.

Tengokla masing-masing sibuk bersembang. Awi, ngumpat ke tu?

Sempat lagi posing korang ni. Yela hati senang lepas makan.

Nizam ni pun tengah minum sempat posing lagi. Straw tak lepas dari mulut lagi tu. Rajinnya Saiful stady waktu lunch ni (betul ke tu?).

Masing-masing sibuk membaca untuk kuiz genetic disorder. Depan kedai orang pun jadi eh. Janji tak kena halau. Tapi Zu tu stady lain ni.

Memang crowded kelas genetic ni. Tengokla tu ade yang tak senang duduk. Siap berkipas lagi. Dahla kelas belum start lagi.

Betapa panasnya bilik ni. Tengokla teriknya matahari sampai ke dalam.

Saiful malu-malu pun sempat bagi isyarat lagi. Yang helmi ni serius je. Sabar helmi, tau pnas tu.