MEDICAL SLANGS AND ACRONYMS (Warning: Seriously Funny)

When I was doing my practical as lab technician, there are two stamps used on Hematology Station on test request form to reject the test and requesting the doctor to send new blood sample. One stamp stated “Clotted Blood” and the other “Inssufficient Sample”. Clotted blood usually from failure of the doctor or nurse to invert the tube after obtaining blood sample in a tube with anticoagulant or the blood is too much in ratio to anticoagulant. Insufficient sample in a tube with additives may yield false result especially in biochemistry test due to inappropriate additive to blood ratio. But sometimes the doctors insist to run the test on the same blood sample giving an excuse like difficulty to obtain sample from patient. We as a lab technician have the right to reject the sample because it will give a false result. Then there will be a fight by the time doctors call the lab to ask for result. They demanded the test to be done immediately regardless to their sample condition. What I did is to write in the form to be return to doctor as “Clotted Brain”, “Insufficient Intelligence” as a modification to the above. It is meant to insult the insistent doctor. Only then the doctor will come to the lab with new sample or sometimes an argumentation plan.

I came across this on a website. I don’t recommend you to use it in a real situation to be written in a patient’s file (in the future) because it can be unethical but I think it’s okay to use it in conversation. I might be using some of it in my blog.

It’s kinda funny…tell me which one is your favorite?

ACRONYMS

CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
DIC - Death Is Coming - colloquial interpretation of the initials for Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home; stupid.
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Exam
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; patient, usually poor or elderly, in the emergency room with a chronic, non-emergency condition.
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase). The real use is Amyothropic Lateral Sclerosis
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TF BUNDY - Totally F*cked, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
SAS - Sick As Sh*t
PITA - Pain In The Ass
OBE - Open Both Ends (Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
MIDI - Myocardial Infarction During Intercourse (heart attack during sex)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HAIRY PSALMS - Haven't Any Idea Regarding Your Patient, Send A Lot More Serum
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
IDK - I Dont Know
DKA – Don’t Know Anything (originally means Diabetic Keto-Acidosis). A signal use between the doctor and med students during patient examination with family presence so the family will not think the med students is stupid.
FOS - Full of S**T (Constipated)
404 moment – On card rounds - when a patient’s medical records cannot be located (from internet error message: 404 Page Not Found)

5-H-1-T - polite medical term for SHIT
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease).

4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)

RELATING TO DEATH

C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead). Normal usage: Carbon Copy
CTD - "Circling The Drain" (expected to die soon)
ECU - Eternal Care Unit - after a patient dies, they "have been transferred to the ECU"

TERMS FOR OCCUPATION
Captain Kangaroo - head of a paediatrics department
Freud Squad - psychiatry department
Slasher - surgeon
Orthopod - orthopedist
Flea - internal medicine doctor
Stream team - the urology service collectively
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine

OTHER SLANG
Oligoneuronia ('few neurons') - stupid, a play on "Oligouria", i.e. not enough urine.
Pneumocephalic - stupid (means 'airhead')
Shotgun labs - to order many labs in the hope that one will be abnormal and give you a clue what is wrong with the patient.
Trauma handshake - n. a digital rectal exam. Every major trauma patient gets one.
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
Scepticaemia - chronic condition suffered by two doctors in a debate over which therapy
Sarcoidosis - an actual disease, but a perfectly acceptable answer that may be included in ANY differential diagnosis

Pot Plant - person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
Mononeuronis Asynapsis - thick (one neuron, not connected!)
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tyres (obese)
Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work

GI Rounds - a meal (GI = gastrointestinal)
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts

So ladies and gentlemen. Please comment which one of this is your favorite.